I feel like I have been dating men for ages. I have been high, I have been low. I have been "madly in love" and "madly in hate". Generally the emotions are strong, whichever way they go. However. Things in the last couple of years seem to have changed. I am filled with apathy. And I am starting to realize that apathy may just be the worst - cause it means you don't care. And quite frankly I feel like I don't care. I go on dates with boys and I'm thinking...somethings gotta give...somethings gotta give...but it never does. They sit before me and I view them the same way I would view a statue. My heart is cold, my brain is somewhat aware, I study their face...their clothing...their thoughts. I feel nothing for them, but I am there, just like them. Starig at nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. And then I walk away, and the next statue comes along. Only to be studied, when he's hoping to be loved. Only to be looked at, when he's hoping to be looked into. Only to be disappointed when he finds out how boring I am...because I'm tired of putting on shows.
Anonymous
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Dear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteThank you thank you for being the first to open up. I appreciate your honesty and have been thinking about what you said all afternoon. I hate to be commenting on my own blog but I am hoping it will get the ball rolling a bit. Now I don't know if you were even looking to get advice or if you just wanted to send those thoughts out into cyberspace but either way I thought maybe I could just share a few tidbits from my own experiences. From the time I was 16 I had a boyfriend. I went through them like my 3 year old currently goes through her underwear. As soon as one ended I was on the hunt for another. If there was not a HE. There wasn't a ME. Looking back it seems really ridiculous but it wasn't until I got married that I realized just how tied my self worth was to my dating status. And to be honest it caused a lot of tension in my marriage for a very long time. I spent a lot of time resenting Ty (my husband) because he couldn't fill that role for me. Then after I had my daughter I got into running. And in those quiet hours of solitude I was truly able to find myself. I realized that NO ONE can make you feel whole. NO ONE except you. I found that I alone have so much to offer. I have talents that are mine and only mine. That everyone else in my life is only a compliment to the sweetness that is me. I finally understood that the only way you can love someone and allow them to love you back is to first love yourself. And the only way to love yourself is to find out just who YOU are. It isn't always easy and it can be a painful process but I can promise you that there is nothing more empowering. I guess what I am trying to say is... maybe not caring is the best answer. Or maybe finding and loving yourself before you let other people in is. Not caring seems like it works but the problem is that it can't last. Its only a band-aid that will eventually get old and will never really heal the wounds. Just something to think about. If anyone else has thoughts please don't hesitate to share.
I totally agree with Jen...and what came to mind for me is that dating is hard. Really hard, for both genders it seems. I know the whole game of it gets tiring, and can understand how each new guy seems less enthralling than the next after awhile-but I think if you really want to find someone, you've got to be willing to put as much of yourself out there as you're hoping someone else will for you. If you're not able to be present and engaged on dates, your date is going to have an even harder time being himself, leaving you both unsatisfied and frustrated. Give the guys a chance, it seems really easy to write someone off after an unsatisfying first date, but sometimes it takes the boy time to open up also, and you're missing the opportunity to raeally get to know who they are when they're judged on one date alone. Also, make an effort to be the best You you can, on every date. Hopefully thats some food for though at least!
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